Do not trust airport baggage handlers

Here is an excerpt from a letter that appeared in Viz magazine a few years ago.

Read and tremble.


Five years ago I worked as a baggage handler at Manchester airport. One day I saw Ulrika Jonsson checking her suitcase in for the the Heathrow Shuttle, so I made my way down to the baggage hall and awaited the 'prize bag'. As colleagues kept watch, the bag was thrown to me inside the aircraft container and I put Ulrika's knickers on my head forthwith. As I opened her washbag and took the top off her Ladyshave, I was awestruck to see a solitary golden pube adorning the razor foil. At this point I was rushed by my excited colleagues just as I was about to put it in my mouth for safe keeping.

...it gets worse, but I think this will do for today.

Real life cartoons

This sort of thing happens every day in German supermarkets. "Do you need anything from the shop?" is almost always answered with "toilet paper and X", with X being milk, eggs, cigarettes or beer.


I should point out that it was actually drawn by one of my bodyguards, Suzanne. (You might need to click on it to actually see what it says)



Many years ago, I worked in an office which employed a very small person. Not a dwarf or midget, but someone who, in a photo, would look average-sized, but in real life, she was very very small. Whenever she spoke, you´d find yourself nodding in agreement while thinking to yourself "but you´re just so small".

Anyway, imagine if you had a whole office full of people like that. You could get some half size chairs, coffee mugs and computers, and set them all to work. When a client came to visit the office, you could pretend that he had doubled in size, for a joke. It would be fantastic. If anyone ever gets on one of those TV programs when the best idea wins a million pounds, suggest this one.

"If you take his name literally, Bin laden actually means ´full up wastepaper basket´which makes him seem much less scary" - letter in Viz magazine, issue 169

Pulling a Lynndie

Most have fond memories of Lynndie England, who tried to cheer up Abu Ghraib detainees by striping them naked.

Wait, that isn´t right.

Anyway, look on the Internets for "pulling a Lynndie", just to see how out of date this "joke" is.

The object being Lynndied is my nearly finished book, which is again at the proof reader. There is a good reason for this. The book was written entirely under the influence of red wine. Every bit of it - so it is sometimes a bit mental (the last chapter is off the scale). This is also why it has taken so long to complete - it is difficult to drink red wine all day, every day, although I did try.

The most amusing things on the planet

Today was supposed to be an update about my almost finished book. It is waiting to be proof read by one of my bodyguards, John Davis, who inexplicably chose to get married last week.

Never mind. In the meantime, here are the top ten funniest things invented by man.

1. When Monty Python were required to produce an album for their record company, they chose to call it "Monty Python´s Contractual Obligation Album".

2. The UK´s Viz magazine. Here is a recent letter:
"If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we´d all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.
Christina Martin, London".

3. This 30 second clip from Family Guy, the Mad Horse.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27ydMXaIpgg

That will probably be gone soon due to "copyright infringement". Twats.

4. This 3 minute clip, again from Family Guy. the Bin Laden tape.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=575T2V5VJkc

5. Here is another brilliant Bin Laden clip, probably from someone like Armando Iannucci.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYWqPY-o8Eo

10. Charlie Brooker, Chris Morris & Victor Lewis Smith.
Rumour has it that these three people are in fact only one person. Have you ever seen them in the same place at the same time? Check out "Screenwipe", "Brass Eye", "TV Offal" and while you´re at it, Harry Hill´s TV Burp on youtube. (Incidentally, Brooker is the same age as I am, but he looks much older. He also appears to be fatter.)

Oh yes, and Bob Mills. His complete works, Medinner, is available on youtube.

It goes to show that television is only entertaining when it is mercilessly lampooning itself.

So much for my list of ten things. If anyone thinks that there is something else amusing on this godforsaken planet, leave a comment and I´ll edit it in.

Never Look a Sidegift in the Mouth

The anonymous commenter who goes by the name of "Sidegift" (real name Peter Osler) has ruined my plan. I was going to call Berlin Zoo, and borrow some animals in order to stage scientific fights to the death in my back garden (if I had one).

Remember, this is Germany. Odd things happen here. For example, Germans do not even get the chance to vote for their own president (Horst Kohler, former head of the IMF). Instead, they get to vote for a "chancellor", whoever he is.

But to suggest a simple viewing of Animal Face Off to decide the animal victor...well, that is probably one of the biggest mistakes Sidegift has ever made (the other being wetting his bed on his wedding night).

My next update will be solely about music lessons and my book. You know who to blame.

Is The World Weird Enough? Part 23.

Here´s a human interest story, from Der Spiegel and Lawyers Weekly. I don´t read that trash (it was also printed in Private Eye magazine).

"Two years ago, a space ship sucked me up into its interior and carried me off into space. The aliens probed my anus and genitalia, then manipulated my brain and sent me back to earth as an apprentice shaman, to bless the city in advance of the arrival of further aliens. Following their orders, I closed my bank account, bathed naked in a municipal fountain, then rode my bicycle naked through the streets of Dresden, at which point I was arrested by police and sent to a psychiatric hospital. But I have done nothing wrong. I am a victim of aliens, and I demand my freedom" - Paul Hoffman.

A lawyer named Jens Lorek, who specialises in this sort of thing, has taken the case.

See how unrealistic Independence Day was? I like the sound of these aliens. They appear to have a finely tuned sense of humour.

My next post will answer the question that everyone on earth has asked themselves, at least once (although I think about it every day, and have done for more then three decades) - who would win in a fight between a polar bear and a rhinoceros? I am taking bets.

Quiz of the century

One of the questions I get asked the most often is thusly...

"Who is the biggest wanker - George Bush or Tony Blair?"

Let´s perform a scientific analysis of the available evidence.

On Google, a search for "Tony Blair is a wanker" gives us 493 results.

"George Bush is a wanker" gives us 722 results. Ergo, Bush is a bigger wanker than Blair.

Right now, there are no matches on the entire internets for "George Bush is a bigger wanker than Tony Blair", so I am pleased to be able to place the first one.

However, using the same technique, you will find that Blair is considered to be a far bigger arse than the monkey faced boy king. Incidentally, Google is wank (6 matches).

What would Jebus do?

Here are some of the maddest quotes of the year.

"Men are breast-crazy beasts...so breastfeeding her male colleagues should give a woman a sense of safety and security, when sharing an office with men...After breastfeeding them, the woman is allowed to remove her hijab and reveal her hair without feeling embarrassed. I suggest a minimum of five sucks for each male colleague."
Sheikh Ezzat, The Egyptian Gazette 27 May, printed in Private Eye #1190

Or what about this one

"You heard the story about Orientals having a small what-cha-ma-call it. They put something in the makeup that women wore here which leads the children to be born - the males - with small genitalia"
Benjamin Fulford, former Asia-Pacific beauru chief, Forbes magazine, in an interview with Jeff Rense, 11 July.

Polls are open until the end of the month (send emails). I will anounce the winner during some sparkling military parade through the streets of London in September.

Airports are dangerous

Here is Germany, you cannot buy proper food. There is no cheddar cheese to speak of, and the only bacon available is terrible, American style streaky bacon that you wouldn´t even feed your children. You cannot get orange squash, Branston pickle or HP sauce.

Knowing Germany, this food is probably against one of their laws.

Anyway, while traveling from the UK to Germany recently, I thought I´d take with me a jar of mustard piccalilli with me.

"Do you have any pastes or fluids with you?" asked the polite chap as I went through check in. I showed him the jar. He said that he would have to confiscate it, because it might be a bomb.

Might be a bomb.

So what did he do? Did he call in the bomb squad? Did he carefully place the jar in a reinforced concrete block?

No. He literally threw it into a huge bin, which had hundreds of other jars of piccalilli in it.

"If you really believe that it could be a bomb, is throwing it around a sensible thing to do?"

I also pointed out that he spent all day standing next to a huge pile of potential bombs. The chap did not seem to understand, and yet he is allowed to carry around a presumably loaded gun.

Something is wrong here.

Links for the unimpaired

I wanted a links page on the right hand side navigation bar, but it is a crap system. It just wants links, with no comments (if I am wrong, please let me know).

So instead I´ve got this "Links" post, which I might edit once in a while, and change the date to have it near the top. Might.

These are some of the most useful sites on the web.

http://www.whatreallyhappened.com/
Mike Rivero has been running this controversial news site for 14 years.

http://www.anti-neocons.com/
Author Ryan Dawson´s news forum. Dawson is so good that he lets you argue with him.

http://forums.randi.org/forumdisplay.php?f=64
This is the James Randi forum, subsection "Conspiracy Theories", one of the largest sites for skeptics. The excellent moderators on this site manage to make it one of the best places to watch a collection of unsung geniuses and master wordsmiths at work.

http://z10.invisionfree.com/aaronmann
This is the discussion forum for political activist Aaron Mann. There are diamonds in this site, even though Aaron lost his hair when he was 24.

Much more to come here.

The pen is mightier than the sword. If you throw it hard enough.

This is one of the maddest quotes of the year.

"We must replace the signs on the handicapped toilets that say ´deformed men´, and the meeting place for ethnic minorities that is currently signposted as ´Racist Park´. Some of the translations are really problematic and not so polite."
Liu Yang of the Chinese Foreign Affairs Office (Quoted in the UK´s Private Eye magazine No 1189)

Anyway, here is a list of the chapter titles of my still messed up book.

The Con - Navigating the Sea of Disinformation

1. The Closed Mind
2. Foot in Mouth Disease
3. Religion - The Original Con
4. Darwinian Evolution - Religion for Atheists
5. Education - Another Brick in the Wall
6. The Destruction of Culture - Mozart Spins in his Grave
7. Hollywood History Lessons
8. Real History Lessons
9. Biological Warfare at Home
10. Blackmailing the Rulers of the world
11. Disinformation, Crisis Management and the Super Bizarre
12. The Puppeteers
13. Conjecture, Opinion and other such Wank

If anyone can give me a better chapter title, please email me (you´ll get credit if it is used). I´ll update this bit as I go along, probably.

Look at some of Howard Bloom´s chapter titles, in his masterpiece Global Brain - The Evolution of Mass Mind from the Big Bang to the 21st Century

4. From Social Synapses to Social Ganglions: Complex Adaptive Systems in the Jurassic Days
11. The End of the Ice Age and the Rise of Urban Fire
17. Swiveling Eyes and Pivoting Minds: The Pull of Influence Attractors

There are many more. Bloom is a genius.

More info on my book, just in case the four of you are interested.

It is short. One thing people asked me is "How long is your book?". Short seemed to be the most acceptable answer. You can read it in a day, if you can stay awake long enough.

It is also not entirely serious. There are some very serious topics discussed, but it is not like reading a real non-fiction book. I find that most books about important subjects tend to be rather boring, so this one is interspaced with various semi-amusing nonsense.

Please leave a message if you see any spelling mistakes in this post, as I have had a few glasses of wine this evening.

Credit to James for the title of chapter 13

"I´m the king of the bus!"

Many years ago, I had an argument with a London bus driver. In the end, he wouldn´t let me board until I admitted that he was "king of the bus". I told the queue forming behind me "He wants me to say that he is the king of the bus". They laughed. If you are reading this, bus driver, you are are twat.

I´ve had close to a million emails, asking for a picture of one of my guitars. Here it is.

If you are going to have a photo taken, make sure it is in front of a massive stack of books.

Seeing as I´m the king of this website, I can manipulate things to make sure this picture doesn´t appear on the top of the page.

Welcome

Welcome to my webpage.

This page will serve several functions. Firstly...

Music lessons

You can learn to play piano in a matter of months. No boring scales or arpeggios (well, one or two perhaps). All styles, from Elton John to Franz Liszt.

Or perhaps learn to play guitar. It is easy. Play like Jimi Hendrix, again within a few months, if you put in the practice.

Oh yes, I am based in Berlin, Germany. My German language skills are rubbish. It looked like a good gap in the market. There are very few private, English language only music teachers in Berlin. For some reason.

(I´ll also teach English lessons here in Germany. But you may as well learn music at the same time)

If you need someone to play the piano at a wedding or similar happy event, please email me.

Additionally, I have written a short book about political and historical censorship. It has just come back from the proof reader, who pointed out spelling errors, and also question marks where there should be dates. It should be published in a few months, and I´ll probably put the chapter titles up here soon.

For more info on the lessons or the book, please email me at aosler@hotmail.com