Wikipedia - rubbish but funny

Wikipedia is rubbish, as everyone knows.

However, some pages are worth a look.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Most_vandalized_pages

That's their best one, and it preserves the antics of the heroic wikipedia vandals "forever". Here are some highlights, reproduced word for word.

Dyslexia - Vandalized daily, multiple anon edits, usually with deletions, obscenities, deliberate scrambling of text, or insertion of jokes

Falkland Islands - An anon editing under various 212.120.xxx.xxx addresses repeatedly removes "Malvinas" from the first line against consensus, claiming that consensus doesn't matter.

Oklahoma Christian University - Vandalized a lot given nondescript nature of the school. Students there vandalize page, employees there revert it.

List of transgendered people - An anonymous AOL editor from VA persistently removing or hiding three "Catholic" entries on the list for months.

Iain Lee - One or more users spending all day everyday for the past few weeks adding bad jokes and personal attacks.

Taiwan - Anonymous vandal with ever changing ip addresses who turns this into an article on the Republic of China.

Rove McManus - Vandalised regularly by anons who insert quotes around the word 'comedian'.

I'd buy that for a dollar

Today, I was going to write about how we sholdn't allow paedophiles to strip search children at airports, but the BBC have already covered this, and they get a few more visitors then I do.

So here is today's mess.

I had a call yesterday from my London based bodyguard, Alan Walker.

Mr Walker is one of the most highly decorated civillians in the United Kingdom. He received the Queen's Commendation for Bravery a few years ago - he saved someone's life by fighting an armed, convicted rapist, and restrained the felon until police arrived. This is just the tip of the iceberg regarding Mr Walker's selflessness - he has several similar awards.

How do we treat our heros?

Mr Walker dropped a cigarette butt on the pavement in a London street. He was accosted by two council workers, who decided to demand a fine of fifty pounds. Seventy five pounds, if he doesn't pay up quickly. If Mr Walker exercises his right to appeal and loses, he will face a fine of up to two thousand five hundred pounds. For dropping a cigarette butt.

I do not normally advocate swearing, as it debases our wonderful language...but what the fuck is going on? It is OK to use depleted uranium in the Middle East and poison the earth for millions of years to come, but if you drop a half inch piece of paper, you get threatened by people pretending to be policemen.

I'm tempted to suggest that Mr Walker is being hassled because of his sexual orientation.

Get out those "V" masks.

(oh, if anyone sees any spelling mistakes here, please point them out. Blogger have disabled my spellcheck (and several other things) for reasons best known to themselves. Wankers.)

Charlie Brooker is God

No, I don't really believe that Charlie Brooker is God, but I do believe that he will, occasionally, search the Internet for the phrase "Charlie Brooker is God", and will therefore end up on this page.

(I know this, because I search for "Alan Osler is God" every single day, in the vain hope that someone has caught on.)

Anyway, in about 3 weeks I will have about 10 copies of my book to give away. 9 have already been promised to friends, family and various hangers on. The last one will go to Charlie Brooker, because he is just so damn funny. Or Bob Mills. Or even Russell Brand. Whoever emails me first at aosler@hotmail.com. Or anyone else for that matter. Anyone except George Clooney, (the guy who advertises coffee) and Samuel L Jackson (who does adverts for a Big Wank Bank).

Finally, here is a brief quote from Private Eye magazine.

Cambridge's former mayor John Hipkin was sacked from the planning committee after the council's Lesbian, Gay and Transgender Group accused him of "hetrosexism". Hipkin's crime was to have called for more family homes to be built, which was, er, "insensitive" to gay and lesbian home buyers.


hahaha! I worked in the media for 10 years, which is full of gay types. Seriously, they are not offended by anything. Just ask Keith (or Tom).

I am dead

http://www.lastingtribute.co.uk/tribute/osler/2142895

I died in 2004.

Anyway, here is Dudley Moore's brilliant Beethoven Sonata parody to cheer you up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GazlqD4mLvw

If there's one thing I can't stand, I can't stand up.

My bodyguard, John Davis, has a new webpage.

Here it is.

http://www.jdav007.blogspot.com/

John, known as "The Thing" by the other three members, is thinking about starting up a child minding service. Haha! Terry McCann - style perhaps. Amusingly, he wanted to know if I "wanted in".

Anyway, check out his webpage, it is quite good.

Do not trust airport baggage handlers

Here is an excerpt from a letter that appeared in Viz magazine a few years ago.

Read and tremble.


Five years ago I worked as a baggage handler at Manchester airport. One day I saw Ulrika Jonsson checking her suitcase in for the the Heathrow Shuttle, so I made my way down to the baggage hall and awaited the 'prize bag'. As colleagues kept watch, the bag was thrown to me inside the aircraft container and I put Ulrika's knickers on my head forthwith. As I opened her washbag and took the top off her Ladyshave, I was awestruck to see a solitary golden pube adorning the razor foil. At this point I was rushed by my excited colleagues just as I was about to put it in my mouth for safe keeping.

...it gets worse, but I think this will do for today.

Real life cartoons

This sort of thing happens every day in German supermarkets. "Do you need anything from the shop?" is almost always answered with "toilet paper and X", with X being milk, eggs, cigarettes or beer.


I should point out that it was actually drawn by one of my bodyguards, Suzanne. (You might need to click on it to actually see what it says)



Many years ago, I worked in an office which employed a very small person. Not a dwarf or midget, but someone who, in a photo, would look average-sized, but in real life, she was very very small. Whenever she spoke, you´d find yourself nodding in agreement while thinking to yourself "but you´re just so small".

Anyway, imagine if you had a whole office full of people like that. You could get some half size chairs, coffee mugs and computers, and set them all to work. When a client came to visit the office, you could pretend that he had doubled in size, for a joke. It would be fantastic. If anyone ever gets on one of those TV programs when the best idea wins a million pounds, suggest this one.

"If you take his name literally, Bin laden actually means ´full up wastepaper basket´which makes him seem much less scary" - letter in Viz magazine, issue 169

Pulling a Lynndie

Most have fond memories of Lynndie England, who tried to cheer up Abu Ghraib detainees by striping them naked.

Wait, that isn´t right.

Anyway, look on the Internets for "pulling a Lynndie", just to see how out of date this "joke" is.

The object being Lynndied is my nearly finished book, which is again at the proof reader. There is a good reason for this. The book was written entirely under the influence of red wine. Every bit of it - so it is sometimes a bit mental (the last chapter is off the scale). This is also why it has taken so long to complete - it is difficult to drink red wine all day, every day, although I did try.

The most amusing things on the planet

Today was supposed to be an update about my almost finished book. It is waiting to be proof read by one of my bodyguards, John Davis, who inexplicably chose to get married last week.

Never mind. In the meantime, here are the top ten funniest things invented by man.

1. When Monty Python were required to produce an album for their record company, they chose to call it "Monty Python´s Contractual Obligation Album".

2. The UK´s Viz magazine. Here is a recent letter:
"If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we´d all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.
Christina Martin, London".

3. This 30 second clip from Family Guy, the Mad Horse.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27ydMXaIpgg

That will probably be gone soon due to "copyright infringement". Twats.

4. This 3 minute clip, again from Family Guy. the Bin Laden tape.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=575T2V5VJkc

5. Here is another brilliant Bin Laden clip, probably from someone like Armando Iannucci.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYWqPY-o8Eo

10. Charlie Brooker, Chris Morris & Victor Lewis Smith.
Rumour has it that these three people are in fact only one person. Have you ever seen them in the same place at the same time? Check out "Screenwipe", "Brass Eye", "TV Offal" and while you´re at it, Harry Hill´s TV Burp on youtube. (Incidentally, Brooker is the same age as I am, but he looks much older. He also appears to be fatter.)

Oh yes, and Bob Mills. His complete works, Medinner, is available on youtube.

It goes to show that television is only entertaining when it is mercilessly lampooning itself.

So much for my list of ten things. If anyone thinks that there is something else amusing on this godforsaken planet, leave a comment and I´ll edit it in.

Never Look a Sidegift in the Mouth

The anonymous commenter who goes by the name of "Sidegift" (real name Peter Osler) has ruined my plan. I was going to call Berlin Zoo, and borrow some animals in order to stage scientific fights to the death in my back garden (if I had one).

Remember, this is Germany. Odd things happen here. For example, Germans do not even get the chance to vote for their own president (Horst Kohler, former head of the IMF). Instead, they get to vote for a "chancellor", whoever he is.

But to suggest a simple viewing of Animal Face Off to decide the animal victor...well, that is probably one of the biggest mistakes Sidegift has ever made (the other being wetting his bed on his wedding night).

My next update will be solely about music lessons and my book. You know who to blame.