Thursday, 17 September 2009

Mind your business

I noticed 2 funny things today.

The first isn't funny though. Anyway, when the BBC's "news" website happens to have 2 versions of the same story (yesterday it was about the world's tallest man, today it is "Obama shelves Europe missile plan"), both versions appear in the top 5 most read stories.

Why? Because people want to see if the BBC has censored anything. God knows what they would want to cover up about the 8 feet tall Turk.

The other thing...

I watched The Fellowship of the Ring earlier, but with German audio and English subtitles (that's my "German lesson"). Someone must have been having a laugh, because the subtitles turned Galdalf into a pot head.

First, he's smoking his pipe with Frodo, and he says "this is fantastic weed". Then later on, during his first meeting with Saruman, the elder wizard remarks:

"All that Hobbit weed has dulled your senses".

Saruman beats the shit out of Gandalf the next time they meet as a punishment.

Monday, 14 September 2009

German TV = stupid

I accidentally watched German television the other day. It is truly awful - worse than English TV by a huge margin.

However, I found something rather amusing - the logos in the corner of the screen (yes, I was watching the logos rather than the desperate tattooed youths that were chronicled continuously).

Above are the logos for RTL 2 and Kabel 1.

See anything odd?

RTL 2 has a Hitler moustache for a logo. It cannot possibly mean anything else.

Not to be outdone, Kabel 1 has opted for an erect Jew's penis.

I have asked both companies for an explanation, and they blamed each other for making the "first move".

Sunday, 1 March 2009

Well done Aviva

Anyone who has had the misfortune to watch British television recently has probably seen the adverts by Norwich Union, “soon to be known as Aviva”.

Apparently, Norwich Union is changing its name to Aviva, and it has recruited a bunch of talentless bastards to tell us about it. The message is “we are just changing our name - we haven’t been bought out by the 5th largest insurance company in the world which was founded in 2000”.

Although, of course, Aviva is the 5th largest insurance company in the world, and was founded nine years ago. So well done Aviva.

Aviva are bastards. Chapter 8 of my book, which I wrote more than a year ago, kicks off with this letter from Viz magazine…

“I work in a call centre in Norwich and we’ve just been told our jobs are moving to India. I’m so excited! I’ve always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I’ll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.”


One of the above mentioned talentless bastards is Ringo Star. Ringo wasn’t the best drummer in the world. He wasn’t even the best drummer in the Beatles. “Would I have got where I am today if I was still called Richard Starkey?” the twit asks.

Where you are today, Ringo? Advertising a shoddy insurance company that has pretended to change its name?

John Lennon, Paul McCartney and George Harrison didn’t change their names. They are legends. You are a wanker.

Bill Hicks once said “once you do a commercial, you are off the artistic roll call…for ever”.

In other news: From this day forth, Iggy Pop, Paul Merton and Stephen Fry will all be known as car insurance salesmen. Desperate shits.