Wednesday, 30 January 2008

I'd buy that for a dollar

Today, I was going to write about how we sholdn't allow paedophiles to strip search children at airports, but the BBC have already covered this, and they get a few more visitors then I do.

So here is today's mess.

I had a call yesterday from my London based bodyguard, Alan Walker.

Mr Walker is one of the most highly decorated civillians in the United Kingdom. He received the Queen's Commendation for Bravery a few years ago - he saved someone's life by fighting an armed, convicted rapist, and restrained the felon until police arrived. This is just the tip of the iceberg regarding Mr Walker's selflessness - he has several similar awards.

How do we treat our heros?

Mr Walker dropped a cigarette butt on the pavement in a London street. He was accosted by two council workers, who decided to demand a fine of fifty pounds. Seventy five pounds, if he doesn't pay up quickly. If Mr Walker exercises his right to appeal and loses, he will face a fine of up to two thousand five hundred pounds. For dropping a cigarette butt.

I do not normally advocate swearing, as it debases our wonderful language...but what the fuck is going on? It is OK to use depleted uranium in the Middle East and poison the earth for millions of years to come, but if you drop a half inch piece of paper, you get threatened by people pretending to be policemen.

I'm tempted to suggest that Mr Walker is being hassled because of his sexual orientation.

Get out those "V" masks.

(oh, if anyone sees any spelling mistakes here, please point them out. Blogger have disabled my spellcheck (and several other things) for reasons best known to themselves. Wankers.)

Thursday, 24 January 2008

Charlie Brooker is God

No, I don't really believe that Charlie Brooker is God, but I do believe that he will, occasionally, search the Internet for the phrase "Charlie Brooker is God", and will therefore end up on this page.

(I know this, because I search for "Alan Osler is God" every single day, in the vain hope that someone has caught on.)

Anyway, in about 3 weeks I will have about 10 copies of my book to give away. 9 have already been promised to friends, family and various hangers on. The last one will go to Charlie Brooker, because he is just so damn funny. Or Bob Mills. Or even Russell Brand. Whoever emails me first at Or anyone else for that matter. Anyone except George Clooney, (the guy who advertises coffee) and Samuel L Jackson (who does adverts for a Big Wank Bank).

Finally, here is a brief quote from Private Eye magazine.

Cambridge's former mayor John Hipkin was sacked from the planning committee after the council's Lesbian, Gay and Transgender Group accused him of "hetrosexism". Hipkin's crime was to have called for more family homes to be built, which was, er, "insensitive" to gay and lesbian home buyers.

hahaha! I worked in the media for 10 years, which is full of gay types. Seriously, they are not offended by anything. Just ask Keith (or Tom).

Saturday, 12 January 2008

I am dead

I died in 2004.

Anyway, here is Dudley Moore's brilliant Beethoven Sonata parody to cheer you up.

Thursday, 10 January 2008

If there's one thing I can't stand, I can't stand up.

My bodyguard, John Davis, has a new webpage.

Here it is.

John, known as "The Thing" by the other three members, is thinking about starting up a child minding service. Haha! Terry McCann - style perhaps. Amusingly, he wanted to know if I "wanted in".

Anyway, check out his webpage, it is quite good.