Friday, 31 August 2007

Is The World Weird Enough? Part 23.

Here´s a human interest story, from Der Spiegel and Lawyers Weekly. I don´t read that trash (it was also printed in Private Eye magazine).

"Two years ago, a space ship sucked me up into its interior and carried me off into space. The aliens probed my anus and genitalia, then manipulated my brain and sent me back to earth as an apprentice shaman, to bless the city in advance of the arrival of further aliens. Following their orders, I closed my bank account, bathed naked in a municipal fountain, then rode my bicycle naked through the streets of Dresden, at which point I was arrested by police and sent to a psychiatric hospital. But I have done nothing wrong. I am a victim of aliens, and I demand my freedom" - Paul Hoffman.

A lawyer named Jens Lorek, who specialises in this sort of thing, has taken the case.

See how unrealistic Independence Day was? I like the sound of these aliens. They appear to have a finely tuned sense of humour.

My next post will answer the question that everyone on earth has asked themselves, at least once (although I think about it every day, and have done for more then three decades) - who would win in a fight between a polar bear and a rhinoceros? I am taking bets.

Wednesday, 15 August 2007

Quiz of the century

One of the questions I get asked the most often is thusly...

"Who is the biggest wanker - George Bush or Tony Blair?"

Let´s perform a scientific analysis of the available evidence.

On Google, a search for "Tony Blair is a wanker" gives us 493 results.

"George Bush is a wanker" gives us 722 results. Ergo, Bush is a bigger wanker than Blair.

Right now, there are no matches on the entire internets for "George Bush is a bigger wanker than Tony Blair", so I am pleased to be able to place the first one.

However, using the same technique, you will find that Blair is considered to be a far bigger arse than the monkey faced boy king. Incidentally, Google is wank (6 matches).

Saturday, 4 August 2007

What would Jebus do?

Here are some of the maddest quotes of the year.

"Men are breast-crazy breastfeeding her male colleagues should give a woman a sense of safety and security, when sharing an office with men...After breastfeeding them, the woman is allowed to remove her hijab and reveal her hair without feeling embarrassed. I suggest a minimum of five sucks for each male colleague."
Sheikh Ezzat, The Egyptian Gazette 27 May, printed in Private Eye #1190

Or what about this one

"You heard the story about Orientals having a small what-cha-ma-call it. They put something in the makeup that women wore here which leads the children to be born - the males - with small genitalia"
Benjamin Fulford, former Asia-Pacific beauru chief, Forbes magazine, in an interview with Jeff Rense, 11 July.

Polls are open until the end of the month (send emails). I will anounce the winner during some sparkling military parade through the streets of London in September.