Monday, 24 September 2007

Pulling a Lynndie

Most have fond memories of Lynndie England, who tried to cheer up Abu Ghraib detainees by striping them naked.
Wait, that isn´t right.
Anyway, look on the Internets for "pulling a Lynndie", just to see how out of date this "joke" is.
The object being Lynndied is my nearly finished book, which is again at the proof reader. There is a good reason for this. The book was written entirely under the influence of red wine. Every bit of it - so it is sometimes a bit mental (the last chapter is off the scale). This is also why it has taken so long to complete - it is difficult to drink red wine all day, every day, although I did try.

Thursday, 20 September 2007

The most amusing things on the planet

Today was supposed to be an update about my almost finished book. It is waiting to be proof read by one of my bodyguards, John Davis, who inexplicably chose to get married last week.

Never mind. In the meantime, here are the top ten funniest things invented by man.

1. When Monty Python were required to produce an album for their record company, they chose to call it "Monty Python´s Contractual Obligation Album".

2. The UK´s Viz magazine. Here is a recent letter:
"If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we´d all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.
Christina Martin, London".

3. This 30 second clip from Family Guy, the Mad Horse.

That will probably be gone soon due to "copyright infringement". Twats.

4. This 3 minute clip, again from Family Guy. the Bin Laden tape.

5. Here is another brilliant Bin Laden clip, probably from someone like Armando Iannucci.

10. Charlie Brooker, Chris Morris & Victor Lewis Smith.
Rumour has it that these three people are in fact only one person. Have you ever seen them in the same place at the same time? Check out "Screenwipe", "Brass Eye", "TV Offal" and while you´re at it, Harry Hill´s TV Burp on youtube. (Incidentally, Brooker is the same age as I am, but he looks much older. He also appears to be fatter.)

Oh yes, and Bob Mills. His complete works, Medinner, is available on youtube.

It goes to show that television is only entertaining when it is mercilessly lampooning itself.

So much for my list of ten things. If anyone thinks that there is something else amusing on this godforsaken planet, leave a comment and I´ll edit it in.

Monday, 10 September 2007

Never Look a Sidegift in the Mouth

The anonymous commenter who goes by the name of "Sidegift" (real name Peter Osler) has ruined my plan. I was going to call Berlin Zoo, and borrow some animals in order to stage scientific fights to the death in my back garden (if I had one).

Remember, this is Germany. Odd things happen here. For example, Germans do not even get the chance to vote for their own president (Horst Kohler, former head of the IMF). Instead, they get to vote for a "chancellor", whoever he is.

But to suggest a simple viewing of Animal Face Off to decide the animal victor...well, that is probably one of the biggest mistakes Sidegift has ever made (the other being wetting his bed on his wedding night).

My next update will be solely about music lessons and my book. You know who to blame.