Sunday, 1 March 2009

Well done Aviva

Anyone who has had the misfortune to watch British television recently has probably seen the adverts by Norwich Union, “soon to be known as Aviva”.

Apparently, Norwich Union is changing its name to Aviva, and it has recruited a bunch of talentless bastards to tell us about it. The message is “we are just changing our name - we haven’t been bought out by the 5th largest insurance company in the world which was founded in 2000”.

Although, of course, Aviva is the 5th largest insurance company in the world, and was founded nine years ago. So well done Aviva.

Aviva are bastards. Chapter 8 of my book, which I wrote more than a year ago, kicks off with this letter from Viz magazine…

“I work in a call centre in Norwich and we’ve just been told our jobs are moving to India. I’m so excited! I’ve always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I’ll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.”


One of the above mentioned talentless bastards is Ringo Star. Ringo wasn’t the best drummer in the world. He wasn’t even the best drummer in the Beatles. “Would I have got where I am today if I was still called Richard Starkey?” the twit asks.

Where you are today, Ringo? Advertising a shoddy insurance company that has pretended to change its name?

John Lennon, Paul McCartney and George Harrison didn’t change their names. They are legends. You are a wanker.

Bill Hicks once said “once you do a commercial, you are off the artistic roll call…for ever”.

In other news: From this day forth, Iggy Pop, Paul Merton and Stephen Fry will all be known as car insurance salesmen. Desperate shits.


John Maynard Keynes said...

But its good that they are being saved by some kind multi-national corporation. This is capitalism and as we all know, the free market is something good. I think that we should definitely let conglomerates buy up all infrastructure, all hospitals and everything else important. They can run things much better than government. Its a fact.

Patrik said...

Wow, this blog is about as interesting as a fat woman in a public bathroom suddenly discovering that her normal method of a whole roll a wipe does not work.

Martin Hitler said...

Did you know that if you write Aviva backwards, its spells avivA? Shame the same thing does not work with the name Alan. I got a friend to try reversing your name for me and he came up with Twat. Either he was dislexic or I should be offended. Do you think he was referring to you? It seems a lot of people have left you rude comments.

Are you Welsh? If so I understand thew abuse.

Anonymous said...

Mirah Carey (is that a name of some random singer? I don't even know) once boasted about only using one sheet of toilet paper "each time".

Disgusting. But I can't remember where I read that. Probably The Onion or something.

The Onion is shit and not even funny any more, but that is beside the point.

The point is that Maureen Lipman is a complete and utter cunt. I cannot understate this enough. She really, really IS.

Tom said...

Who's the odd one out:
Sir Fred Goodwin, former CEO RBS
Sir James Crossby, deputy head FSA
Sir Terry Wogan - TV presenter

Answer, Terry Wogan, because he has a banking qualification.

Tom said...

Note for Martin Hitler. Spelling Alan backwards does not get you 'twat'. But a great anagram of alan oler is 'anal loser'. I loved this until he found a great anagram of my name is 'tight worm'.

Anonymous said...

I have just found out that there is a sperm bank near where I live that pays £25 per deposit. It makes me angry when I think about all that money that has slipped through my fingers.

James Rea said...

Hi Alan, Or should I call you Anal Loser from now on? I never had enough time on my hands to think about that, but it is hilarious. You need to come back to Berlin. It is fucking nuts. I need a drinking buddy. I have some news too, which I will tell you when I see you.

Green Sleeves said...

Alan, your writings are about as profound as is an enraged monkey throwing fecal matter at someone.

King Julian said...


James said...

So Alan,
It seems to have transpired that Berlin functions without you. I, however need to go for a beer, and I am sure that your better half would also like to see you re-emerge here in the gay capitol of Europe, and no I don't merely mean your local bakery.

Anonymous said...

hey, I just got back.

Beer next week.


Anonymous said...

Didn't realise that Berlin was the gay capital of Europe. Thought that was Brighton. Or Cuffley. Maybe it follows Alan around. Is Berlin more gay now that Alan is back? Is Cuffley less gay?

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr Alan,
it has come to the attention of the relevant people that you have not updated your blog in absolutely ages. I bring this to your attention because your page is becoming as boring as one of Angela Merkel's speeches.

Anonymous said...

Hey Alan, after sniggering my way through your blog I thought it worth ordering your book from Amazon.... Unfortunately it's out of stock. What gives??? I was just recalling ~10 years ago, in a well frequented drinking establishment in Britten Street, you declared yourself to be the most intelligent person in Europe; then sniggered more as I recalled a phone call to your landlord. Did someone suggest you were talking to a client :)

Hope you're well.

Say hi to My Walker from me (I bet he's still got the cool green leather jacket).

For you anagram lovers, I'll comment soon.... till then

ar all nose

Anonymous said...

hello anonymous

send me an email at I've got some copies of my book here that I was going to drop off at the skip tomorow.

Who are you, anyway? Walkwer's green coat was thrown out at least 5 years ago.


Anonymous said...

is anonymous either:
Steve Davis
Tom 'smiling knife' Desk

Or that other feller who played the guitar. My money is on the guitar man or stebbo. No-one else was in the builders arse.

Anonymous said...

what guitar man?

I think that was me.

Stebbo rocks.