Friday, 12 December 2008

Flight from Nazi Germany

It was like a scene from The Great Escape, but with aeroplanes instead of motorbikes.

I am writing this while waiting to board a flight from Schonefeld Airport in Berlin to Luton Airport in “London”. Luton is not in London, of course. It is in Bedfordshire. This always amuses me – once, an American tourist asked me, during a flight, how to get from Luton Airport to Oxford Street.
“Go to London, fatty”.

Anyway, the train journey to the airport should have been simple, but weirdly, someone decided to privatise the train service, seemingly during my journey.
The ticket Nazi demanded three extra Euros. This has never happened before, and the only money I had with me was a bunch of English coins.
I might have missed the flight, but the guy I was standing next to – a friendly Kurdish man named Karpox – bought my ticket for me. I gave him one of my books in return. If you’re reading this Karpox, thanks again.

But I wasn’t out of Hitler’s grasp yet. Unknown to me, my luggage contained two – TWO! – cigarette lighters. And this was against whatever law that they had just made up.

Actually, most bombs have two fuses that have to set off simultaneously.

No they don’t.

I was told by security staff at the airport that that gas from the lighters might “escape”. Two lighters would do untold damage. Not one though. Just two.

So the woman stole my stuff, and it was “problem solved”. Stealing really is breaking the law (as opposed to taking a second lighter onboard a plane). Although the woman who stole my stuff was Steven Seagal in the 1988 film “Above The Law”, so that’s OK then.

But still the ordeal was not over (and it still isn’t. I’m scribbling this on the back of my boarding pass).

Burger King! A Whopper Junior with cheese please, at only a slightly criminal exchange rate.

Burger King at the airport has a new law too, presumably so they won’t feel left out. What is this law? No coins. Just notes. I had the correct money in coins, but they refused to serve me. I’m going to write to Burger King about this. Arseholes.

At least I could find the smoking section. Except I couldn’t, because smoking here seems to be against the law too. When I pointed out that the German government is polluting the Middle East with depleted uranium that has a half-life of half a million years (which might even be true) and that these people shouldn’t tell us Allies what to do, the guy just shrugged.

There is no trial by jury in Germany, and you really can end up in prison for simply saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person. Just ask Sylvia Stoltz, lawyer for Holocaust denier Ernst Zundel. Stoltz got a three and a half year prison sentence for simply repeating her client’s claims. Although before she was dragged off to the cells, she did make a rather outrageous and goading comment, telling everyone that she thought the Holocaust was “the biggest lie in the history of the world”. Steady on, Sylvia! Mad or not, these people should be either debated or ignored, not locked up. Remember, this comes from a country that started a second world war after PROMISING not to only a few years earlier. Etc.

P.S.

Two people just stood up in the waiting area, and within a minute, everyone in the room was on their feet, holding their bags. But we are not boarding yet. I am still sitting here, and have just said “Why are you all standing? It isn’t musical chairs. The last one in line doesn’t have to cling to the wheels.” Ten minutes later, only one person decided to sit back down. People are idiots.

P.P.S I love Germany really. I have to say that or they’ll arrest me next time I go there.

20 comments:

jdav007 said...

Did I mention that the last time I was over, I secretly implanted her with a male hormone sensing device that will detect and sound the alarm if she is within 2inches of anyone but you? I thought I said something but maybe the tequila was flowing and I forgot...

J

jdav007 said...

Hey you left town without your German language course. When will you return in January so that I can get it to you? BTW, gin and tequila will not be the same without you...

J

Anonymous said...

I'm there on 23rd Jan, so the following Monday would be good.

We should drink double, just to make up for the lack of booze in December.

Anonymous said...

Hey how are things at RBS? Did he get to keep his job? Hope he did not invest with Madoff?

Seamus said...

Ahh, so you escaped. They will find you. They always do. They now monitor your internet and your toilet by secret electronic wave things and a water meter.

Seamus said...

Ahh, RBS..... Royal Bank of Shit just hit the fan.

Seamus said...

LaRouchePAC has some excellent new videos. Check them out.

Anonymous said...

I will at some point. This PC I'm using is the same one that Noah had. On his Ark.


Alan

FacadeMan said...

Lucky that you didn't have a bottle of shower gel as well as your two lighter 'fuses'. Then you would have had explosives as well as detonators. Good job you don't believe in washing.

Anonymous said...

Did you find employment and are you still returning in Jan?

jdav007 said...

Drop a brother a note with a phone number and I'll give you a call...
J

Anonymous said...

hey John, what about drinks on Monday 26th?

drop me an email aosler@hotmail.com

Mein F├╝hrer said...

Germany is not nazi anymore. Its a democracy. You have to believe this otherwise the Gestapo will come knocking at your door. Do you understand now, stupid english englishman.

Sauerkraut & Arschwurst, bitte. said...

I have found a way to massively increase the number of people reading your blog, and maybe even buying your book. I will write to you upon this matter.

A city of sausages. Kebab is much better. said...

That should have been Sauerkraut & Arschwurst, bitte. But this fucking internet shit is not working right. It can deliver 24 hour a day porn to the world, but can't even get an & sign right. Put this in your next book. "The internet is a menace to literacy & lazy non-authors everywhere!"

Anyway, in berlin you have to be careful about making sausage jokes. The major might get offended and sue.

Anonymous said...

I just IP checked the person who made the last post, and it was none other than Rick Astley.

Alan

Rick Astley said...

holy Shit. I must look into the mysterious world of Alan's knowledge of electronic devices. So far as I heard, he used to wear tin foil on his head so NASA could not monitor his thoughts. He only stopped because he met someone who swore that a secret ingredient needed to be added to his helmet of cognition. So remember, if NASA is trying to read your thoughts and you are really desperate, smear your magic foil hat with shit, both sides is best, and then maybe this will stop them. Alan might want to write more on this subject.

Micky said...

I demand redemption.

John said...

Does this mean that there are now a piano and two guitars up for sale... And do they come with lessons...:-)

J

Nuclear Germany Rules said...

I renamed my website for free........